Five hipster babies from Kreuzkölln cafés that need to be drowned in the canal

17 Oct

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It happened again this Sunday: All I want to do is enjoy a ridiculously overpriced, eclectic brunch in a Kreuzkölln hipster café (it’s level five vegan!) but I just can’t escape them: their vintage bottles, nursery rhymes on vinyl and antique handmade toys from 1950s Japan… Yes, the hipster babies. Once they start bawling – ironically, of course, but still very loudly – I can’t help looking out at the Schifffahrtskanal and daydreaming of a quick solution to my problem.

Here, without further ado, here are the worst of the hipster babies:

______

Now, if you’ve read this far, you have participated in an experiment. I am trying to find the most popular blog title of all time. For the last year, I’ve been blogging for Exberliner, and have been working on a scientific formula for getting clicks. Sometimes I write down a personal and informative story, and while I think it’s good work, these never go viral. Yet whenever I do a hyperbolic, foaming-at-the-mouth rant against Germany, people hate it – and I get tons of Facebook likes.

For the record, I’m not very passionate about babies one way or the other (although I am enthralled with my cute little nephew!). But I think this title fulfills the five rules for being a successful blogger. Whenever I’m mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, these rules never fail to get my attention:

  1. It needs to be a list, since I’m actually supposed to be working right now and only want something short that I can skim over.
  2. It needs to be something provocative that I’ve never seen before – murdering babies seems about right
  3. At the same time, it needs to reflect a horribly guilty pleasure – something I caught myself thinking once and felt awful about. So while it’s offensive, it creates an embarrassing sense of community. Because who hasn’t heard a screaming baby and had a dark thought on some deep level of the subconscious, right?
  4. It also needs to be cute – since who can resist tiny hamsters eating tiny burritos?
  5. Lastly, it needs lots of buzzwords. Names of trendy neighborhoods, “Nazis”, the phrase “the worst”.

My experimental thesis is that this will be the most successful blog I’ve ever written – at least more successful than my heartfelt stories about the views of sex workers or the stories of refugees.

The Exberliner editors insist on quality writing, ‘Likes’ be damned. And they deserve all the praise in the world for their principled stand. But the swarm doesn’t want good writing – journalism is dying an being replaced by Buzzfeed and Clickhole and more idiotically formulaic lists. I’ve always felt like a writer, but even I’ve noticed myself becoming addicted to social media recognition.

As a proud member of Berlin’s Kreativprekariat, let me end with an appeal: I need clicks. Please, please, please like this article. Please share it on twitter. Please like my Facebook page. Please. I’m desperate.

If you do, I’ll give you those tiny hamsters eating tiny burritos again. Or maybe I’ll drown a hipster baby. Just give me a click!

Foto: https://www.flickr.com/photos/lord-jim/6115555350

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